Sunday, January 11, 2015

"Discard your newbie robes and follow me into the depths of Fear!"

Turn the key, walk through the gate-- the great ascent to reach a higher state. This is a rite of passage for Fear newbies to become established members of the community who better understand our mythos.

Are you a newbie? You are if you haven't completed this checklist.

- Read the manifesto, "This is not a series bible." Its words are our mission statement, so take them to heart and you will earn the title of Fearblogger.

- Read five creepypasta from Faces, Strange and Secret. Bite-sized stories are the best place to start your quest! Get through five and you earn the title of Welcomed.

- Read an alliterator blog. He is one of our founders and each of his 80+ blogs has influenced our mythos to a great degree. Here is an incomplete list of them. Don't worry, none of them are long. Read one and you earn the title of Initiated.

- Read ten blogs from the Beginner's Guide. This guide was designed to help you find your way in our abstract labyrinth. You don't have to read them all, and which ones you read are up to you, but this guide will give you a much better idea of how we work. Reach ten and you earn the title of Guided.

- Read five blogs not from the Guide. There's over several hundred blogs in our mythos, and there are lots of really good ones that the writers of that guide weren't even aware of. Here's an alphabetical master list for you, which itself is incomplete. Take a dive into the mythos proper and you earn the title of Reader.

- Watch at least one video from a vlog. We have a growing video side too, though as not anywhere near as many of the vlogs are finished all that's required of you to feel initiated here is to watch a video. Here's an alphabetical master list for you, also incomplete. Check one out and you earn the title of Occasional Watcher.

- Read at least two comedy blogs. A substantial portion of our mythos is devoted to the chaotic gods of Commedia, and it will do you good to dip your feet into that realm. The catch is there's no list of comedy blogs out there, so finding them will put you on your own. I feel stupid now, there is a list and I'm even the one who made it. Accomplish this task and you earn the title of Pagliacci.

- Read and give feedback on at least three current ongoing blogs and one vlog. Now we're getting to the nitty-gritty, the delapicrepisated domain of community. The manifesto gives you links to our Facebook group and forum, so join up and help circulate the Fear spirit! For doing this great deed you will earn the title of Ebert.

- Remain in the community for at least four months. Yes, this is the hard part right here. In order to cure yourself of your "newbie" curse, you must dedicate yourself to our Fear sect for four months without showing any sign of leaving. You can do it; you've made it this far. On the first day of your fifth month you will be granted the title of In It To Win It.

- Record yourself pledging allegiance to Camper James Joyce, Fear of Thunderously Absolute Power. He wrote revolutionary modernist holy texts with many passages about masturbation and died for our sins, praise be to him and his eyepatch of genius! Brekkek Kekkek Kekkek Kekkek! Koax Koax Koax! Ualu Ualu Ualu! Quaouao! Killykillkilly: a toll, a toll. Waaaaaa. Tch! Sluice! Writer of the seven riddles of the universe! Submit yourself and you earn the title of Thonthorstrok.

Only when you have fulfilled this checklist can you rightfully consider yourself purged of all traces of Newb. Then, and only then, you can begin your greater quest towards learning the Secret of the Owl.

This has been Jordan Dooling-- I wish you the best of luck and hope to see you on the other side. Let's make this mythos proud.

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